Now, I love a good sword and sandals epic. They’re great. But these two are just so bad that they’re not even enjoyable on any level.
Clash of the Titans (2010)
So, the wooden man pretending to be an actor Sam Worthington is Perseus, son of Zeus. Nobody likes the Gods anymore so they begin to lose their power. Hades uses this as an opportunity to seize power for himself by creating fear amongst the mortals by threatening to release the Kraken. So Perseus and a band of men go on a journey to find a way to stop the Kraken and defeat Hades. It all sounds rather exciting but the way it plays out is anything but. The acting all round is abysmal. Even Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes are bad. Mads Mikkelsen and Gemma Arteton are bad, and Sam Worthington is just the worst.
But hey, maybe there’s some cool action right? Wrong. The action setpieces are dull and largely uninventive. It looks okay. The special effects are decent. But everything just stinks. Seriously. It’s all so bad. The dialogue might be the worst part though. It’s boring, it’s obvious, it’s unrealistic. Everything about this movie is just painful to watch. I will say that some of the designs and some of the lore are kind of okay, but everything else just makes me want to turn the film off, go into a dark room and cry.
JACK’S SCORE: 1/5
Wrath of the Titans (2012)
Things can only get better right? WRONG! Things are just as bad. Not really worse, and definitely not better. This time the Titans are breaking loose thanks to Ares and Hades and are going to destroy everything. Perseus must find some ancient weapons to combine together to stop the Titan Kronos. Again it’s a very bog standard plot that plays out in no interesting, fun or surprising ways at all. This time more actors damage their great names, including Rosamund Pike and Bill Nighy.
The special effects are actually pretty good though. Kronos actually looks kind of cool, coming out of a mountain and dripping with lava. I actually like something! Sadly, everything else is total garbage. The movie faces the same problems. Terrible characters, poor dialogue, boring action, rubbish acting and a very lackluster plot. I’m actually running out of negative adjectives to try and describe every way this movie is so bad. I’m really not surprised at all that they never made a third film. I wouldn’t even want to watch it to laugh at it. This franchise was anything but a titan.
JACK’S SCORE: 1/5