Fast Five – Film Review

I honestly don’t understand how these films do so well at the box office. I mean, yeah, they’re generic action movies with big budgets and crazy car stunts. But come on! They’re all garbage. The ones I’ve seen are anyway….

Including this one! This one finds the main members of the ‘family’ hiding from the fuzz in Rio. There’s a rich, drug lord type who they decide to steal $100 million from. I don’t know why. It just happens. They assemble a full team to round out their ‘family’ whilst being pursued by Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson’s secret agent. There’s only one car race, something the franchise is supposed to be about, instead thrown to the side for a heist story and some special effects. Which isn’t all that great really.

I didn’t like the racing. I don’t like the heist now. They spend much of the movie planning, having a laugh in their little ‘family’ only to just throw it all out the window and drag a safe through the streets instead. The physics make no sense. The plan makes no sense. Nothing makes sense. Vin Diesel is a terrible, wooden, shouty actor with very little emotion except smug or angrily confused. At least, that’s what his face would have you believe. Paul Walker is just some cocky guy who tags along for everything Vin does, whilst the rest of the ‘family’ all have their own gimmicks and skills but seem utterly pointless in the grand scheme of things. The Rock seems to be having fun and usually I like him, but here he’s just angrily spitting out poor attempts at funny, angry lines in quick succession and giving people evil eyes.

The car stuff is okay, I guess. It makes little sense but it is slightly exciting at times, if very predictable. It generally looks very good too, with only some iffy CGI. But it’s just not very engaging overall. I don’t care for it. I don’t get the sense that these people are a ‘family’ at all, I don’t get the sense that they’re very skilled in anything apart from drifting and yelling as they go fast and I definitely don’t get much sense that they’re even real people. I just don’t get how this franchise has survived so long…

JACK’S SCORE: 2/5

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