The Great Wall – Film Review

This movie is boring. It should be exciting and fun and all kinds of awesome. It just, isn’t. I yawned constantly through this film, something I rarely do in cinemas. I even concentrated more on my popcorn. And I never even eat popcorn!

The story even sounds quite cool! Dumb, but cool. Basically the Great Wall of China is used to defend the world from hundreds of thousands of weird, dog-like alien monsters. There’s an army trained specially to combat these monsters and through some unfortunate events Matt Damon’s Irish soldier with a terrible accent is captured by the army and held at the wall. Through some even more unfortunate events he comes to join the army and help them fight the oncoming hordes of monsters.

You’d think at least the action would be good. Power ranger colour coded divisions of a Chinese army with different skills defending a massive wall against millions of aliens. But it isn’t. All the action falls flat. None of it makes sense, none of it is really very exciting. There’s nothing to be invested in in this movie. The characters are one dimensional, the story is lackluster and doesn’t make too much sense and nobody seems to be very committed to this at all. The special effects are fairly good, but even they can’t save this movie.

I almost wish they’d gone absolutely crazy with this nonsense premise. Kicking the action up a notch and making it really weird and wild might have made the film more exciting or at the very least a little more interesting. And why oh why is Matt Damon doing that accent! It’s awful! Well, it’s awful when he actually keeps it up. And he’s not the only great actor you may have heard of that doesn’t seem to realise they are meant to be actually acting and putting effort into this movie! Game of Thrones’s Pedro Pascal and usually great actor Willem Dafoe are equally laughable in this movie, as are the rest of the Chinese cast.

Really, this isn’t even one of those films that is good to watch for a laugh. It is simply too boring for that and not even silly enough to be laughable. You can’t even watch it and enjoy it as a stupid action movie. I’d say avoid it like there’s a massive wall and an army of angry aliens between you and the film.

JACK’S SCORE: 2/5

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